Years ago, I had a Pilates client who became a dear friend of mine. She was in her 70’s (and later, 80’s) and came to see me twice a week. When she was getting ready to celebrate her 50th wedding anniversary, I told her I wanted her wisdom. “What’s the secret to such a long marriage?” I asked her. She didn’t miss a beat. With a smile and a shoulder shrug, she said, “Well, being deaf
Listening is a hot-button topic these days as we are creating shorter attention spans for ourselves with our reliance on technology. And I think we can all admit, even if we think of ourselves as good listeners, that there are moments when we fall short. But there are a few tried-and-true tricks to help get your listening game on. Below are some that work for me. I am not claiming to be an expert listener; I’m a work in progress.
Note: my husband was, to put it mildly, shocked that I was writing on listening. I told him maybe I use up all my good listening skills out in the world and don’t listen as well at home. He said I could add things that I need to work on, like speaking to the person in the same room. In my defense, I know he can hear me in the other room. Or putting down your phone when someone is talking to you. I am guilty of that one too and am working on it. I recognize it’s rude.
1. Keep listening for nifty words.
See, isn’t “nifty” kind of a nifty word? By keeping your listening antennae up for people using surprising and unusual words, it keeps your attention more focused. The other day, a friend complained about how hard packing a suitcase seems to be these days: “I am just bamboozled by the act of packing anymore!” Bamboozled, I thought to myself. What a great word. I wonder when is the last time I used the word bamboozled, or even heard someone else say it. Then, in the church sermon, a minister used the word cosseted. I turned cosseted around in my brain a bit — I haven’t heard someone use the word cosseted in a while. By listening out for interesting words, you find yourself really soaking in what the speaker is saying.
2. Listen to what someone is talking about by putting yourself in their movie.
If someone is telling you about an experience they had, you can insert yourself as that lead character in a pretend movie. By imagining this scenario, you can listen with more detail and have the added bonus of being able to empathize with what they went through. You can also have richer, more meaningful conversations as your follow-up questions will come naturally.
3. Listen to what someone is asking you, not what you are daydreaming about.
When my husband and I got engaged in Turkey, he gave me a Turkish silver “meantime” ring. When we flew back to the states, he asked me, “Do you want a baguette?” I had “ring” on the brain, and I responded, “Well, baguettes are nice, but not totally necessary.” He looked confused. “What do you mean, necessary?”
I didn’t want to seem presumptuous. “Well, I don’t have to have baguettes.” He pulled out a loaf of bread from his backpack. “I don’t know what you’re saying: do you want some of this baguette or not?” Then I had to come clean and tell him what I was talking about. Which he didn’t know was a thing. But if I’d listened to him more closely, I’d have realized he wasn’t talking about diamonds.
4. As with everything else, even in listening, timing is key.
There are just times when someone is or isn’t in the mood to listen. Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t get to choose and you have to figure out a way to listen effectively anyway, like a meeting at work or taking notes at school. But with your friends and family, it’s different. The other night my husband told me, “You’re just so… verbal.” Like verbal is a bad word. But I get it- he wasn’t in the mood to hear me go on and on about whatever I was going on and on about. It’s helpful when the listener and listen-ee are in synch.
5. To make sure you listened correctly, summarize.
In college, I took Interpersonal Communication. I thought I was going to be so prepared in dealing with arguments because we learned very effective communication for that scenario. “When you do X, I feel Y. When you say Y, I feel X.” This little trick didn’t translate so well into real-life arguments when the two parties are emotionally heated. And when you try to wedge that kind of communication in the hotbed of an altercation, it can have unintended ill effects. But the summarizing concept of listening, clunky as it may appear, is a good method for emphasizing key concepts. “So, what you’re saying is
6. As you listen, give the person time to let the whole story come out.
Recently I visited a small-town hardware store. You know the kind that has high ceilings and rows of interesting gadgets like a Bean Frencher (is that what’s wrong with my green beans? I need a
“Yeah, it’s the store’s cat.” I bent down to pet her. “She’s cute.” The young clerk decided to tell me more backstory: “Yeah, the thing is, we didn’t want a cat, but some lady brought her in here and figured we needed one, on account of we store bags of feed in the back and have mice.” I nodded and said, “Oh. So the lady had kittens and brought one here?” Now that she knew I was interested,
Had I not given her the listening space for this while she feather dusted my watering can (a lovely but meaningless gesture as layers of grime from being on the shelf for who knows how long would need to be scrubbed away), I would never have known about the 21 attic cats. Nor would I have heard about the woman who was afraid of cats and when she visited the hardware store the other day, the kitty ran by and she fainted. “Right there, smack down on our floor. We had to revive her.” There is drama happening at the small-town hardware store. People have stories to tell. You’ve got to listen to learn it all.
7. Listening is love.
When it comes down to it, when you give someone your time and attention, you are telling that person that you care enough to focus on them. Ultimately, listening is an act of love. Sometimes that may mean that you need to take time to be quiet so you can listen for your own inner voice or the voice of God in your life. I registered for a retreat with some women who I had done a spiritual direction monthly meeting with for 9 months. We would be reuniting for a day and a half retreat.
I must not have been listening very well when I signed up because I didn’t know it was a silent retreat until I received the schedule the day before. (Yes, I see the irony here). When you are signed up for a retreat, but you don’t realize it’s a silent retreat, you are surprised when you find out that it is. But it was the most restorative 24 hours. We read, colored, meditated or prayed, slept, and walked the property.
And I realized I don’t often allow myself the time to listen to silence. To just be. To listen to my thoughts, or try to get in tune with God’s voice. So here’s something to listen to. Think of it as a listening palate-cleanser, when you need to refresh and refocus your listening skills so that you can devote your attention to others. But create space to listen to nothingness.
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After you’ve finished your cleansing meditation, catch up on my previous post in case you missed it:
Inspired by the Movie “Yesterday”: The Beatles, Brazil, and Me.